saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize