i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
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In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
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It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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