so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
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I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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