im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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