dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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