why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
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Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
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Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
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