so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
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If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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