I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
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