I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize