drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize