My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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