____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Randomize