I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
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I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
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I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
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