I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
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She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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