Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
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