i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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