I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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