I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
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my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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