On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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