my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
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See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
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I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize