Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize