so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
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my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
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If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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