eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
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