No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
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So squirting runs in the family.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
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One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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