i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
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I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
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Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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