Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
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Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
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Can't talk, ducks in the car
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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