The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
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He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
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As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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