i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
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