I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
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It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
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What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize