Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
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