Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
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normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
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i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
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