The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
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I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
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I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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