actually, I'm a sock model
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
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At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
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Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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