This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
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You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
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MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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