I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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