my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
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I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
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It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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