That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
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He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
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i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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