For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
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In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
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I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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