my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
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You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
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Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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