We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
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Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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