totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize