I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
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his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
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