someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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