It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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