My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
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He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
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You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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