made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
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I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
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I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize