Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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