Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
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This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
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I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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