census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
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Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
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Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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