i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
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bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
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That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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