He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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